Boundaries

You might set different types of boundaries depending on the area of your life you’re focusing on. For example, some people may have positive boundaries at their jobs, while their financial boundaries may benefit from attention. Below are a few of the types of boundaries people set. 

Physical boundaries

Physical boundaries refer to the rules you have about your personal space. Having a sense of control over physical contact with others can be essential to being safe and confident in the world. You may create a boundary about physical distance, such as preferring strangers to stay a reasonable distance away from you. If you do not like physical touch, you may also create a boundary against hugs and other forms of touch. Although social norms may dictate hugging as an acceptable greeting and goodbye gesture, it’s not comfortable for everyone. You have the choice to create boundaries that make you the most comfortable.

Sexual boundaries

Sexual boundaries allow you to decide who you want to have sexual relations with, how you want to share intimacy, and how you do not want to share intimacy. Sexual boundaries can also encompass conversations about your and your partner’s sexual history, as well as discussions about consent. An example of a sexual boundary is telling someone you do not want to have sex on the first date or ending sex if you become uncomfortable during the act.  

Emotional boundaries

Emotional boundaries encompass the rules you put in place to protect your emotional well-being or mental health. Emotional boundaries also relate to how others treat or talk to you and may help you have healthier relationships with those in your life. An example of an emotional boundary is telling someone you are uncomfortable discussing a particular topic. 

Spiritual boundaries

Spiritual boundaries allow you to believe in whatever you choose and practice your beliefs accordingly. Spiritual boundaries can be beneficial in relationships. For example, when one partner is spiritual while the other is not, or in interfaith relationships, you might decide what you’re comfortable discussing regarding religion. You might also set specific times of day for prayer and ask that others respect that time.  

Time boundaries

Rules or expectations you put in place that involve time relate to time boundaries. Time boundaries can help you maintain your schedule, stay on time, prevent burnout, and fill your days with activities you enjoy. For example, you might set a time boundary by telling a friend you can only attend their event for an hour.

Financial boundaries

Financial boundaries can refer to the boundaries you set for yourself around spending or those you express to someone else if you share finances. An example of a financial boundary includes packing your lunch for work rather than eating at a restaurant. Another example may be discussing a monthly budget with a partner.

Relationship boundaries

Relationship boundaries encompass the areas of life affected by your relationship. These areas may include shared household responsibilities and childcare. Relationship boundaries can also include non-negotiable expectations, such as telling your partner you will not stay in the relationship if they are unfaithful. Another example of a relationship boundary is asking your partner not to look through your phone. 

Note that relationship boundaries involve how you react to a partner, not an attempt to control your partner’s behavior. For example, asking your partner not to wear specific clothing when they go out with friends is a sign of controlling behavior, not a boundary. However, telling your partner you won’t converse with them until they stop yelling is a boundary. It doesn’t control their behavior but takes responsibility for your needs and communicates the conditions you need to be comfortable during a conversation. 

Personal boundaries

Personal boundaries refer to your own set of boundaries that help you navigate life in a healthy and comfortable way. Your boundaries may include choosing not to drink alcohol, not discussing politics with certain family members, or not kissing on the first date, for example.

Though it may be challenging to set boundaries if you’re not used to them, remind yourself that boundaries can improve relationships by clearly delineating what you are comfortable with.  

Setting boundaries may be difficult for those with people-pleasing tendencies or those who have developed a pattern of putting other peoples’ wants and needs above their own. However, people-pleasing often results in resentment and tension within relationships. The more you set boundaries, the more you may become accustomed to doing so. While someone may be initially taken aback by a change in your behavior or requests, remind them that it’s important to you to value your own needs as well as theirs so that you can show up more authentically in your relationships. 

To begin setting boundaries, clarify to yourself what boundaries you want to set and why. For example, you may be frustrated that your job consistently keeps you on the clock after you are supposed to be off work, which takes away from your time with family. To achieve a better work-life balance, set a boundary with your manager that you must leave after completing your shift due to personal obligations. Below are a few other tips for setting healthy boundaries. 

Set boundaries with yourself first 

If you are someone who struggles with boundaries, it may be helpful to practice on yourself. Think of a behavior you would like to change. For example, maybe you need to stop buying snacks during the week when you have limited money for your bills. In these cases, you might set a boundary by putting your money for your bills in a separate bank account and not touching it until the day the bill is due so that you don’t spend it throughout the week. 

Start small

It can be uncomfortable to set boundaries, so it may be easier to start with minor changes instead of trying to address all of these challenges immediately. For example, if you’re trying to set a boundary with a family member who frequently comments on your appearance, you may find it easier to change the subject when the person comments on your appearance rather than immediately telling them to stop. 

Communicate the boundary clearly

Be straightforward with your needs, and avoid giving too many details or explanations to apologize for or explain your boundary. For example, you might say, “I can’t attend the event with you this weekend. I need extra rest.” If the person you’re communicating with is offended or upset by the boundary, try not to take responsibility for their response. It can be normal for people to be offended by boundaries, but their response doesn’t make your boundary invalid or unnecessary. Communicate your boundaries firmly but calmly, avoiding defensiveness, accusations, or anger. 

Stick to the boundary

Maintaining boundaries can be difficult, especially when you’re around people who don’t know how to respect your boundaries or are unwilling to do so. However, learning to put your needs first and stand by what you say can be vital. If you set a boundary that you disregard, it can send the message that you are not serious about that particular boundary, which might make others believe that they can continue to cross your boundaries.

Implementing healthy boundaries can be vital to nurturing healthy relationships and preserving mental health. Research shows that boundaries can also be integral to buffering stress. 

According to a team of researchers at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, individuals who implement boundaries related to work can lessen the amount of stress and rumination they experience. Another study suggests that adolescents who implement boundaries in social situations may have an easier time developing and maintaining social connections and asserting themselves in potentially risky situations. 

Additional studies have found that setting boundaries, particularly work-related boundaries, can increase romantic relationship satisfaction.